Softball Team Sponsorships Determine Economic Prosperity

Are men's softball team sponsorships just another casualty of our country's economic downturn, or could this be something more? I know, I know. . . some believe the automakers are more important, some say Wall Street money firms, and others swear that the newspaper industry should be next in line to get a bail-out.

I am not an economic genius, but I balance a checkbook, read the news, and play a pretty good Parker Bros. Monopoly. So I speak with some authority when I say that men's softball team sponsorships are the greatest barometer of our nation's economy. If a team's players have to pay $50-$100 per person to play, then our country will go bankrupt!

Scenario 1

• If each player pays $50-$100 to pay league/umpire fees to play once a week a ripple effect begins that cannot be stopped. The $50-$100 is taken from the after game food/beverage budget. If that budget is cut, players will no longer be able to afford a drink and Buffalo wings after playing 35 minutes of intense slow-pitch softball. Hey, I have to run at least 7 times from the dugout to left-center field. . . do you have any idea what kind of energy that takes?


• If players are not spending money at local pubs, then the local economy will be devastated. Restaurants will begin ordering less beverages from distributors and fewer wings from Tyson Farms. Food servers and bar tenders will begin making less money from a lack of tips. If this continues through the summer, some places will layoff workers, file for chapter 11, and default on loans. The banks will suffer more losses because of these loans and food distributors will begin releasing delivery men from their duties if there are not 24 packs and kegs to deliver.


• Fewer delivery trucks mean fewer dollars in gas tax revenues for the states that can result in reduced infrastructure projects being implemented and completed. This can cause an increase in potholes, accidents, and bring repairs to everyone's vehicles.


• The amount of former servers, bar tenders, and delivery people standing in unemployment lines could increase exponentially.


• If fewer people are not celebrating walk-off walks and meaningless mercy rule games, then fewer drinks are being consumed. If fewer drinks are consumed, then less DWI arrests will be made resulting in fewer tickets and a decrease in revenue for local police departments. With less revenue, the police departments will be forced to reduce the number of local law enforcement officers - this will make it unsafe for your children to walk to school and cross the street.

Scenario 2

Many players will decide not to give up their after game food/beverage budget and will quit their softball team, but keep the weekly after game visits. The ripple effect from this decision will also hurt the economy.

• If players are not burning 15 calories playing slow-pitch softball once a week, our nation's obesity rate will skyrocket! Players will continue to enjoy their 16 oz. curls and Buffalo wings, but will not have the metabolism to burn off the excess calories. This could have a damaging effect on our nation's health care systems. How many more cases of heart disease will develop because of players not playing softball? If more people have heart problems, this will increase insurance premiums for everyone in the country.


• If leagues fold because players are not paying $50-$100, then the fields will not need to be maintained. Groundskeepers throughout country will be released from the mowing contracts. The fields will be taken over by tall grass, weeds, and area pests. Rats and nocturnal varmints will take over the fields bringing bugs and disease to anyone who tries to have a Sunday afternoon catch on the old fields. Could we be looking at another bubonic plague? Can our country afford that?


• The increase of groundskeepers, league officials, and out-of-work umpires will result in longer lines at the unemployment office. Each state's unemployment coffers will be drained and we will be looking at an apocalypse that even Glenn Beck can't imagine.

Please help me help the economy. I have called nearly every pub and pizza place in central Ohio. Help me find a sponsor for my softball team. I am open to all suggestions. Post a comment or send me an email.

Thank you and God Bless America!